what relief to not feel alone. It is indeed so shit. always shit. But baubles as you say are hollow. I love that line. and another wonderful line - Christmas is grief set ablaze. This is my fourth december without my son. He would have been 10 on the 28th Dec. I cannot remotely get excited or joyful about this time of year. I accept that now. I'd be happy to wake up tomorrow in January. As always, WRITING HELPS, like nothing else. I also make soup a lot. and plant things. Keep Writing Danielle, sending strength to get through. We only have to get through one hour at a time, one task, one meal, one moment, one bedtime, one thing at a time
Thank you so much for these kind and encouraging words, Jessica. I am so sorry that we both have found ourselves in this land of grief where joyful things (like Christmas) can’t take root. In the middle of all this grief, I am relieved that I can offer something important to the people who read what I share. It’s important to know (and to feel) we aren’t alone in our suffering.
After losing my wife of 3 decades it wasn’t our birthdays, thanksgiving, or Christmas that hit me hard. It was New Year’s Eve. The realization that the end of the year was the end of so many things had me curled up in her sister’s spare bedroom. So many what if’s turned into never will be’s.
So understandable, Daniel. New Year’s Eve stands on the cusp of all these promises of great things ahead. But when we are meeting the new year in grief, it feels very, very different💔.
This is the second Christmas since my mom passed, and I thought I was fine, until I walked into the Paper Store and was surrounded by her and memories of her and I started sobbing. Got out of there before anyone noticed. Grief is really funny sometimes. It completely caught me off guard.
This was beautifully written. My mom passed just before Christmas last year, and nothing felt real. The dust has settled, but it’s feeling a lot more real. Even though I wish we weren’t in this place, I truly appreciate you writing about it. Sending you strength this holiday season.
I look at Christmas as just another day. I never begrudge people for enjoying it and sharing their happiness. The celebration of the birth of Christ is not just a sentimental tableau or historical event that didn’t happen in December—does it matter? Not to me. It is a symbol of what happens when the divine enters vulnerability, when light chooses incarnation, and when God does not bypass human suffering but enters it. That is news I can use. Christ consciousness is not about perfection, cheerfulness, or overcoming pain. For me, it is about radical presence in whatever is going on at the moment and appreciating it for what it is. It is about love that remains open in the face of loss, and a heart so surrendered that it can hold grief without closing.
What used to be such a favorite time of year felt very very blue this go around. You captured it so perfectly. Thank you for sharing so honestly. And now it’s January. ❤️
I just got diagnosed with terminal cancer…with some hope of a year or so of “quality life” with treatment. My heart breaks daily for my husband of 38 years. He just retired and we had such plans. We’ll do what we can, what I can, for as long as we’re given, but yeah, this is shite.
Be gentle with yourself. I can’t imagine the load.
Laurel, I’ve typed and retyped dozens of responses to what you’ve shared here, but I can’t make the words be big enough to hold the turmoil I imagine you and your husband must be experiencing.
I want to tell you how so sorry I am, but that doesn’t feel like enough. This is shit, you’re absolutely right.
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud! And the first Christmas didn’t have a bow. It featured a newborn and animal manure so you’re in good company if Christmas is hard
Again, I got so much out of a of a short bit of writing. I love that it’s to point, FULL of feeling. And jam packed with soul. Toby would be sooo proud! Thanks for sharing xo
This is so beautiful written Danielle. It truly sheds a little light into the depths of your grief in a way that makes it a little easier to understand. I (and probably most us) know it’s devastating and heartbreaking and terribly sad but those of us who have been fortunate enough not to lose our person(s) can never fully understand how you feel. This piece made my heart break for you all over again. You have such a gift with words. Sending you love ❤️
Thank you so much, Rochelle. It’s so meaningful for me to hear this, to be seen, to know I don’t have to hide away. I’m so grateful you took the time to write this. Every time someone shares their thoughts/feelings about something I wrote or how it moved them, it feels a little like Toby’s voice is coming through too.
what relief to not feel alone. It is indeed so shit. always shit. But baubles as you say are hollow. I love that line. and another wonderful line - Christmas is grief set ablaze. This is my fourth december without my son. He would have been 10 on the 28th Dec. I cannot remotely get excited or joyful about this time of year. I accept that now. I'd be happy to wake up tomorrow in January. As always, WRITING HELPS, like nothing else. I also make soup a lot. and plant things. Keep Writing Danielle, sending strength to get through. We only have to get through one hour at a time, one task, one meal, one moment, one bedtime, one thing at a time
Thank you so much for these kind and encouraging words, Jessica. I am so sorry that we both have found ourselves in this land of grief where joyful things (like Christmas) can’t take root. In the middle of all this grief, I am relieved that I can offer something important to the people who read what I share. It’s important to know (and to feel) we aren’t alone in our suffering.
After losing my wife of 3 decades it wasn’t our birthdays, thanksgiving, or Christmas that hit me hard. It was New Year’s Eve. The realization that the end of the year was the end of so many things had me curled up in her sister’s spare bedroom. So many what if’s turned into never will be’s.
So understandable, Daniel. New Year’s Eve stands on the cusp of all these promises of great things ahead. But when we are meeting the new year in grief, it feels very, very different💔.
This is the second Christmas since my mom passed, and I thought I was fine, until I walked into the Paper Store and was surrounded by her and memories of her and I started sobbing. Got out of there before anyone noticed. Grief is really funny sometimes. It completely caught me off guard.
Grief can be so sneaky. It’s always with us, but it also has this way of bursting into moments that seem ordinary.
This is my second Christmas without my husband. I understand your paper store moment 💜💔.
It is kindof funny though bc it was in its way nice to be reminded so potently of her, and her before she was became sick.
This was beautifully written. My mom passed just before Christmas last year, and nothing felt real. The dust has settled, but it’s feeling a lot more real. Even though I wish we weren’t in this place, I truly appreciate you writing about it. Sending you strength this holiday season.
Thank you so much, Megan. Your encouraging words are so meaningful to me 💜.
I wish we weren’t in this place too.
You nailed the feeling of the season thinking of life without our loved ones and jot being able to reach out. Keep writting, Toby would be proud. ❤️
Thank you, Scott. Making Toby proud is so, so important to me.
I look at Christmas as just another day. I never begrudge people for enjoying it and sharing their happiness. The celebration of the birth of Christ is not just a sentimental tableau or historical event that didn’t happen in December—does it matter? Not to me. It is a symbol of what happens when the divine enters vulnerability, when light chooses incarnation, and when God does not bypass human suffering but enters it. That is news I can use. Christ consciousness is not about perfection, cheerfulness, or overcoming pain. For me, it is about radical presence in whatever is going on at the moment and appreciating it for what it is. It is about love that remains open in the face of loss, and a heart so surrendered that it can hold grief without closing.
What used to be such a favorite time of year felt very very blue this go around. You captured it so perfectly. Thank you for sharing so honestly. And now it’s January. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words, Susan. And thank you for reading 💜
I just got diagnosed with terminal cancer…with some hope of a year or so of “quality life” with treatment. My heart breaks daily for my husband of 38 years. He just retired and we had such plans. We’ll do what we can, what I can, for as long as we’re given, but yeah, this is shite.
Be gentle with yourself. I can’t imagine the load.
Laurel, I’ve typed and retyped dozens of responses to what you’ve shared here, but I can’t make the words be big enough to hold the turmoil I imagine you and your husband must be experiencing.
I want to tell you how so sorry I am, but that doesn’t feel like enough. This is shit, you’re absolutely right.
Truth! Peace and comfort to you where you can find it.
Thank you 💜
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud! And the first Christmas didn’t have a bow. It featured a newborn and animal manure so you’re in good company if Christmas is hard
well done
Again, I got so much out of a of a short bit of writing. I love that it’s to point, FULL of feeling. And jam packed with soul. Toby would be sooo proud! Thanks for sharing xo
Thank you so much Logan 💜💜
💜
Very well written Danielle. Sending hugs and love to you. ❤️
This is so beautiful written Danielle. It truly sheds a little light into the depths of your grief in a way that makes it a little easier to understand. I (and probably most us) know it’s devastating and heartbreaking and terribly sad but those of us who have been fortunate enough not to lose our person(s) can never fully understand how you feel. This piece made my heart break for you all over again. You have such a gift with words. Sending you love ❤️
Thank you so much, Rochelle. It’s so meaningful for me to hear this, to be seen, to know I don’t have to hide away. I’m so grateful you took the time to write this. Every time someone shares their thoughts/feelings about something I wrote or how it moved them, it feels a little like Toby’s voice is coming through too.