oh danielle, every time i read something of yours i am so touched.
to have and to hold, but not to keep.. isn’t that just how it goes.
i heavily relate to your ominous feeling that something would happen to toby, i unfortunately have that same sort of feeling about the person i love. and i don’t know if it’s just because ive never truly experienced the grief of a close family or friend dying, and so the odds are pretty high that i will soon. or if it’s intuition. or if it’s just anxiety. i feel it though. and reading your words comforts me in a way. toby sounds like he’s really wonderful. and i know wherever he is he must just be beaming with pride about you.
thank you for sharing your voice with us all. truly a treasure.
Oh my gosh Abigail, thank you so much for your moving, generous words. I am going to keep what you’ve said here so that I can look at it when I need a reminder.
In working through my own worry, I’ve learned that sometimes the worry is there because love is vulnerable. Loving someone with our whole heart, building a life together, being close… these are acts of courage because we know what we stand to lose.
And I’ve learned that the presence of worry doesn’t mean the bad thing will happen (this is something I have to remind myself of often), but I think some of us have that part inside that recognizes what feels vulnerable and wants us to be safe.
What you’re feeling is welcome here 💜.
P.S. Toby really was so wonderful. I’m glad that comes through in my writing. I hope he’d be proud… writing these stories and sharing them here was all his idea.
i think you are right. perhaps the worry is just stemming from an immense feeling that life is so fragile. and we love so deeply that we’re scared to lose that.
they say grief is love with nowhere to go.. and i think there is grief in the now experience too. a preemptive melancholy of sorts. like i love you so much a part of me is already grieving what someday will be no more. and it feeds back into the love again.
so often we don’t know how much we love until there’s nowhere for that love to go into anymore.
thank you for your reply. keep writing. i hope you’re doing well these days ❤️
Danielle, my heart goes out to you. 💖 I lost my beloved husband Mark to a small plane accident 5 years ago. Your beloved Toby had cancer, I completely understand your bewilderment about how healthy he looked and the aftermath of his cancer diagnosis. I felt that way when Mark survived his plane crash and was in the burn center for 5 months. How did this happen? All I can say is - keep giving yourself the space to feel all the emotions you’re feeling. You will come through to the other side in your own time.
My favorite quote when I was in the thick of my grief is: “Grief is love looking for a home.”
You might find what I wrote here about what helped me after losing Mark helpful.
This was a really moving piece and so beautifully written - thank you
In relation to your latest note, you mentioned you're not a spiritual person but you reference intuition quite heavily in this piece. Intuition is a big aspect of spirituality. This is not a gotcha so apologies if it comes across like that but it sounds to me like you're more "spiritual" than you perhaps realise. Intuition means you're in touch with the intangibles, energy etc. Certain tribes even don't understand the concept of making decisions with their brain, they only understand making decisions with their "gut" or "heart"
I lost my mother to cancer in 2022 and became her carer for the last year of her life. I didn't regard myself as particularly "spiritual" before this time but have spent many hours meditating since and it has completely changed my perspective. I've also read and listened to many Near Death Experience stories and I found it quite comforting to hear how similar so many of the experiences were. Quantum physics is also catching up with some of the more traditional spiritual beliefs as well but that's another story for another time.
I hope you're doing OK anyway. I can only imagine how challenging it's been for you
oh danielle, every time i read something of yours i am so touched.
to have and to hold, but not to keep.. isn’t that just how it goes.
i heavily relate to your ominous feeling that something would happen to toby, i unfortunately have that same sort of feeling about the person i love. and i don’t know if it’s just because ive never truly experienced the grief of a close family or friend dying, and so the odds are pretty high that i will soon. or if it’s intuition. or if it’s just anxiety. i feel it though. and reading your words comforts me in a way. toby sounds like he’s really wonderful. and i know wherever he is he must just be beaming with pride about you.
thank you for sharing your voice with us all. truly a treasure.
Oh my gosh Abigail, thank you so much for your moving, generous words. I am going to keep what you’ve said here so that I can look at it when I need a reminder.
In working through my own worry, I’ve learned that sometimes the worry is there because love is vulnerable. Loving someone with our whole heart, building a life together, being close… these are acts of courage because we know what we stand to lose.
And I’ve learned that the presence of worry doesn’t mean the bad thing will happen (this is something I have to remind myself of often), but I think some of us have that part inside that recognizes what feels vulnerable and wants us to be safe.
What you’re feeling is welcome here 💜.
P.S. Toby really was so wonderful. I’m glad that comes through in my writing. I hope he’d be proud… writing these stories and sharing them here was all his idea.
i think you are right. perhaps the worry is just stemming from an immense feeling that life is so fragile. and we love so deeply that we’re scared to lose that.
they say grief is love with nowhere to go.. and i think there is grief in the now experience too. a preemptive melancholy of sorts. like i love you so much a part of me is already grieving what someday will be no more. and it feeds back into the love again.
so often we don’t know how much we love until there’s nowhere for that love to go into anymore.
thank you for your reply. keep writing. i hope you’re doing well these days ❤️
“And it feeds back into the love again.”
I love this.
Danielle, my heart goes out to you. 💖 I lost my beloved husband Mark to a small plane accident 5 years ago. Your beloved Toby had cancer, I completely understand your bewilderment about how healthy he looked and the aftermath of his cancer diagnosis. I felt that way when Mark survived his plane crash and was in the burn center for 5 months. How did this happen? All I can say is - keep giving yourself the space to feel all the emotions you’re feeling. You will come through to the other side in your own time.
My favorite quote when I was in the thick of my grief is: “Grief is love looking for a home.”
You might find what I wrote here about what helped me after losing Mark helpful.
Blessings & hugs to you.
https://jennybrandemuehl.substack.com/p/thriving-again-after-my-husbands
Thank you, Jenny 💜. I’m so sorry to hear about your beloved Mark.
Thank you. Wishing you love and grace in your grief journey. May we be gentle and kind to ourselves. 💖🙏
Hey Danielle,
I'm so sorry for your loss
This was a really moving piece and so beautifully written - thank you
In relation to your latest note, you mentioned you're not a spiritual person but you reference intuition quite heavily in this piece. Intuition is a big aspect of spirituality. This is not a gotcha so apologies if it comes across like that but it sounds to me like you're more "spiritual" than you perhaps realise. Intuition means you're in touch with the intangibles, energy etc. Certain tribes even don't understand the concept of making decisions with their brain, they only understand making decisions with their "gut" or "heart"
I lost my mother to cancer in 2022 and became her carer for the last year of her life. I didn't regard myself as particularly "spiritual" before this time but have spent many hours meditating since and it has completely changed my perspective. I've also read and listened to many Near Death Experience stories and I found it quite comforting to hear how similar so many of the experiences were. Quantum physics is also catching up with some of the more traditional spiritual beliefs as well but that's another story for another time.
I hope you're doing OK anyway. I can only imagine how challenging it's been for you