As a grieving Mom, I get this all the time. I'm not angry when people say this, but it does create a rift of sorts. Your piece is a poignant reminder that being 'strong' isn't usually a choice.
No, it very often isn’t a choice. And it can create a rift, as you say. And it can create distance at a time when “the strong one” actually needs closeness and support.
So, so, so important. Truly, I've said many times, if you don't want to get into it with me, tell me you're sorry for my loss and move on. Or ask questions about my needs. Beyond that, any comments are just smoke up my ass that I don't need.
My best friend never mentions my late adoptive son unless I bring him up. Then she's happy to talk about him with me. But during my worst grief, she just let me be me. Whatever that was, however crazy it was. And that was worth more than any platitudes 💞🐻
I resonated so much with every single word you wrote here. It's so tough sometimes to be the strong one and to be left to figure things out on your own. Especially when things are hard and heavy. The hard part is explaining to others that even the strong ones need support and empathy, and not to be left alone. A good time for me to read this piece as I'm going through very difficult times, while some people around me point out how strong I am.
Monica, I’m so sorry you’re being met with “you’re so strong” in your time of need. It’s such a hard thing, and it really can feel like being surrounded by brick walls when what we really need is support and witnessing. You deserve to be met in your pain with empathy and compassion 💜❤️🩹.
2 billion thumbs up on this post five star review. If this was yelp, I would give it a very very high review as well. Because I lothe with a capital L being told that I am strong. Hey unless your husband died four months after you got married and was starting inpatient treatment six weeks after you got married because surprise surprise, they’re suicidal, even though they are an upstanding citizen of this country, amazing educator, a wonderful human beloved by so many… Then you have nothing to tell me about being strong nothing go away go away that’s how I felt. It was awful.
Danielle, this resonates very much with my experiences. I recall in the very early days of grieving the loss of beloved people, my husband, my mother and the manager at the bank barging into the conversation with her signing authority to release a cheque written to my dead husband over to me by stating loudly while standing over me “wow! What a story. How are you not drinking a bottle of wine right now? You are so strong.” barf. Calling people strong can keep it “a story” rather than me being person who is suffering and surviving because strong is the only option I have thank you very much. I mean, this is an extreme example. So many people mean well with saying it, yet it is the presence that accompanies such statements that matters. People who stuck around, listen, are in the silence with me, sit with me when I cry and recognize that it is still hard, they are still gone and I am still and will always grieve. Glad I stumbled upon your stack. 💜 Jess
I appreciate your response, and I am deeply sad that you have similar experiences. It does help to speak them out loud and to ask for presence. Being with our grief, inviting us and our grief places. They are not really separate things I find.
Also, side note, I took a note from your bio…there is no AI for me either. I added “no AI” to mine as well. I am an analogue pen to paper woman at heart. It is important to me to be transparent 💖
That’s awesome! I’d love to see more people who don’t use it have that stated somewhere in their bio. It would be nice if the people who do use it would be transparent about that too.
Sometimes it’s obvious when someone has written (or co-written) something with it. But we now live in a world where it’s not always clear if we are connecting to a real person or a software program pretending to be one. For me, it’s important to know who is speaking, writing, and sharing from their own heart, imagination, and experience because that’s what I’m here for.
"Someone coming to dust me off once in a while" hit me hard. I unexpectedly lost my dad last April, on Easter morning. And then my younger sister 8 weeks later, also very unexpectedly. As a therapist I understood compounded grief, but embodying it, trying to move through the pain is a whole other story. Thank you for sharing your experience, my heart's loneliness felt seen, and held by your words.
Even though I’m never glad to hear that others know this pain, I hope it’s okay for me to say that I’m glad my words reached in that glass case and through this loneliness ❤️🩹💔💜.
Yes! This! Internalized shame from thinking you're not at strong as you should be causes specific inflammation that can contribute to chronic issues. We need to remove that from our vocabulary. Ah! Love this! (Sorry fan girling over this haha)
The brave ones need a place to be honest about their pain and people to help carry all the things that have been so heavy. I know it can be hard to find those places and people sometimes ❤️🩹.
Ugh, I am so over the 'you're so strong' narrative. Can I opt out and just be a wallowing, self-pitying inconvenience to the world for once? This resonated way too hard!
It's so true Danielle...sometimes there are just no words...we are not living that person's experience. We cannot feel but an enth of their sorrow and suffering. Hugs, big hugs, hugs along their journey ❤️🦋
I feel bad complaining about it because people do really mean well when they say it but it absolutely infuriates. It makes me feel like my pain is invalidated. “ I’m strong- so I must be okay.” when I lost James, maybe I gave the impression I didn’t want help an the I didn’t want to let people in, didn’t want to cry in front of people. But I was in shock and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I was just surviving. I wasn’t strong. Maybe it’s a no win situation. Fuck knows
There’s so, so much happening in those moments, and that shock, numbness, and bewilderment can sometimes stretch on for months and months. When we are in the mess of it, we need to be met there.
And you’re right—I think most people are trying to be supportive and helpful. It’s okay to notice strength. It’s also so, so important to see and care for the person inside.
My mother called me the strong one, Danielle. I'm not sure about that, but I am the last one standing. I think that's just resilience. Your poem is beautiful and heartbreaking. Wow. So much loss. You really are strong 🤍
Danielle, a beautifully written and eloquent piece. You capture the feeling so well. 'You're so strong' creates a feeling of isolation because we don't have a choice. It is akin to 'You've got this' and also the 'If there is anything we can do to help, just let us know.' All well meaning, but like leaves flying by on the wind...fleeting and unhelpful. I have started replying...'Hold us in your loving thoughts' as that is a loving energy we can feel, and it does help. ❤️
Thank you, Jane. It really can create feelings of isolation (and even confusion, too) because the turning away is presented as a compliment. As you say, it might be that people mean well, but I think we also need to be honest about what genuine support and care look like when people are suffering 💜
Yes, you are spot on, Danielle. We do need to be honest. People who can stand or sit beside us, without trying to tell us how to feel or what we ought to be doing, they're the people I find I need. ♥️
As a grieving Mom, I get this all the time. I'm not angry when people say this, but it does create a rift of sorts. Your piece is a poignant reminder that being 'strong' isn't usually a choice.
No, it very often isn’t a choice. And it can create a rift, as you say. And it can create distance at a time when “the strong one” actually needs closeness and support.
God I know! When I was going through hell, I did not feel strong. It's as if they give the baton back to you. The picture speaks volumes.
I was really hoping to capture the experience with some humour to reflect the absurdity of it.
So, so, so important. Truly, I've said many times, if you don't want to get into it with me, tell me you're sorry for my loss and move on. Or ask questions about my needs. Beyond that, any comments are just smoke up my ass that I don't need.
My best friend never mentions my late adoptive son unless I bring him up. Then she's happy to talk about him with me. But during my worst grief, she just let me be me. Whatever that was, however crazy it was. And that was worth more than any platitudes 💞🐻
Grief is big, unfixable pain. It’s so important to have people who are willing to put aside the platitudes and just be with us in it 💜❤️🩹
I resonated so much with every single word you wrote here. It's so tough sometimes to be the strong one and to be left to figure things out on your own. Especially when things are hard and heavy. The hard part is explaining to others that even the strong ones need support and empathy, and not to be left alone. A good time for me to read this piece as I'm going through very difficult times, while some people around me point out how strong I am.
Monica, I’m so sorry you’re being met with “you’re so strong” in your time of need. It’s such a hard thing, and it really can feel like being surrounded by brick walls when what we really need is support and witnessing. You deserve to be met in your pain with empathy and compassion 💜❤️🩹.
Thank you, Danielle!
2 billion thumbs up on this post five star review. If this was yelp, I would give it a very very high review as well. Because I lothe with a capital L being told that I am strong. Hey unless your husband died four months after you got married and was starting inpatient treatment six weeks after you got married because surprise surprise, they’re suicidal, even though they are an upstanding citizen of this country, amazing educator, a wonderful human beloved by so many… Then you have nothing to tell me about being strong nothing go away go away that’s how I felt. It was awful.
I’m so sorry, Kimberly 💔💔
I’m learning that there are so many “strong ones” who have been left alone to deal with things no one should face by themselves.
Danielle, this resonates very much with my experiences. I recall in the very early days of grieving the loss of beloved people, my husband, my mother and the manager at the bank barging into the conversation with her signing authority to release a cheque written to my dead husband over to me by stating loudly while standing over me “wow! What a story. How are you not drinking a bottle of wine right now? You are so strong.” barf. Calling people strong can keep it “a story” rather than me being person who is suffering and surviving because strong is the only option I have thank you very much. I mean, this is an extreme example. So many people mean well with saying it, yet it is the presence that accompanies such statements that matters. People who stuck around, listen, are in the silence with me, sit with me when I cry and recognize that it is still hard, they are still gone and I am still and will always grieve. Glad I stumbled upon your stack. 💜 Jess
Oof… I’m so sorry. I felt myself recoil. That must have been so awful. Reading it reminded me of similar experiences 💔.
“You’re so strong” creates distance. It makes the pain and the person into a story, as you say.
Presence over platitudes, sticking around, showing up, allowing us to feel… these things are so important 💜💜.
I appreciate your response, and I am deeply sad that you have similar experiences. It does help to speak them out loud and to ask for presence. Being with our grief, inviting us and our grief places. They are not really separate things I find.
You’re right—they aren’t separate things, and we need to know there are places and people who will welcome us *and* our grief 💜💜
Big warmth your way Danielle. Very lovely to meet and chat with you here. 💜
Big warmth to you as well 💜
So happy to have connected 🫂
Also, side note, I took a note from your bio…there is no AI for me either. I added “no AI” to mine as well. I am an analogue pen to paper woman at heart. It is important to me to be transparent 💖
That’s awesome! I’d love to see more people who don’t use it have that stated somewhere in their bio. It would be nice if the people who do use it would be transparent about that too.
Sometimes it’s obvious when someone has written (or co-written) something with it. But we now live in a world where it’s not always clear if we are connecting to a real person or a software program pretending to be one. For me, it’s important to know who is speaking, writing, and sharing from their own heart, imagination, and experience because that’s what I’m here for.
I know where to go if I want to hear from AI.
Yet another amazing piece Danielle. Inserting humour with pain. You have experienced more love and loss than anyone I know. Your book will happen
Thank you, mom. I sure hope so.
"Someone coming to dust me off once in a while" hit me hard. I unexpectedly lost my dad last April, on Easter morning. And then my younger sister 8 weeks later, also very unexpectedly. As a therapist I understood compounded grief, but embodying it, trying to move through the pain is a whole other story. Thank you for sharing your experience, my heart's loneliness felt seen, and held by your words.
Naomi, thank you and I am so sorry.
Even though I’m never glad to hear that others know this pain, I hope it’s okay for me to say that I’m glad my words reached in that glass case and through this loneliness ❤️🩹💔💜.
Yes! This! Internalized shame from thinking you're not at strong as you should be causes specific inflammation that can contribute to chronic issues. We need to remove that from our vocabulary. Ah! Love this! (Sorry fan girling over this haha)
Awww thank you 🥰🥰
Yeah, it can start to feel like an expectation or even like “being strong” means not crying, not having emotions, being shut off, etc.
And that can be exhausting.
I am tired of being brave.
The brave ones need a place to be honest about their pain and people to help carry all the things that have been so heavy. I know it can be hard to find those places and people sometimes ❤️🩹.
Ugh, I am so over the 'you're so strong' narrative. Can I opt out and just be a wallowing, self-pitying inconvenience to the world for once? This resonated way too hard!
Yes you can. Let’s do it together 💜
Lfg! 🤙🏽
That was so beautiful - Thank you Danielle .
Thank you, Scott. 💜🫂
Thank you for your beautiful piece. Maybe hugs should be given instead of words.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave a comment 💜💜.
It’s often so hard to wrap the words around grief (and the person carrying it) in ways that do justice to depth and complexity.
Hugs are great 💜🫂.
It's so true Danielle...sometimes there are just no words...we are not living that person's experience. We cannot feel but an enth of their sorrow and suffering. Hugs, big hugs, hugs along their journey ❤️🦋
Exactly 🫂🫂🫂
I feel bad complaining about it because people do really mean well when they say it but it absolutely infuriates. It makes me feel like my pain is invalidated. “ I’m strong- so I must be okay.” when I lost James, maybe I gave the impression I didn’t want help an the I didn’t want to let people in, didn’t want to cry in front of people. But I was in shock and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I was just surviving. I wasn’t strong. Maybe it’s a no win situation. Fuck knows
There’s so, so much happening in those moments, and that shock, numbness, and bewilderment can sometimes stretch on for months and months. When we are in the mess of it, we need to be met there.
And you’re right—I think most people are trying to be supportive and helpful. It’s okay to notice strength. It’s also so, so important to see and care for the person inside.
My mother called me the strong one, Danielle. I'm not sure about that, but I am the last one standing. I think that's just resilience. Your poem is beautiful and heartbreaking. Wow. So much loss. You really are strong 🤍
Marcia, thank you so much for reading and for sharing these heartfelt words 🥹💜
🤍🤍
Danielle, a beautifully written and eloquent piece. You capture the feeling so well. 'You're so strong' creates a feeling of isolation because we don't have a choice. It is akin to 'You've got this' and also the 'If there is anything we can do to help, just let us know.' All well meaning, but like leaves flying by on the wind...fleeting and unhelpful. I have started replying...'Hold us in your loving thoughts' as that is a loving energy we can feel, and it does help. ❤️
Thank you, Jane. It really can create feelings of isolation (and even confusion, too) because the turning away is presented as a compliment. As you say, it might be that people mean well, but I think we also need to be honest about what genuine support and care look like when people are suffering 💜
Yes, you are spot on, Danielle. We do need to be honest. People who can stand or sit beside us, without trying to tell us how to feel or what we ought to be doing, they're the people I find I need. ♥️
100%. Me too 💜💜
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